• rachel • she/her • 22yo • this blog is a corkboard in my room that I haven't cleaned off since i was 12 (that i am attempting to go thru and tag) • occasionally an original thought • owner of @lesmisletters •
a mysterious craft crash lands in sweetwater river causing great commotion throughout riverdale only jughead believes he witnessed a creature crawl out of the craft and flee into the woods when cheerleaders start collapsing from violent nosebleeds a swirl of suspicion sweeps over the town jughead begins dreaming of little grey aliens starting a riverside bed and breakfast and believes this is a sign hiram has started to look beyond the meager terrestrial coffers for financing of his riverdale revitalization project he grows more paranoid as gaps in his memory start appearing certain he is being experimented on by the aliens he takes to the town square shouting like a newsboy that hiram is silencing the press manipulating the electorate and conspiring with extraterrestrials hiram professes his innocence but under cover of darkness jughead approaches the craft and sees the aliens being provided barrels of the finest blossom maple syrup by mysterious men in black refueling their craft and disappearing without a trace
characters that roberto aguirre-sacasa should cameo as on riverdale:
mysterious bookshop owner who sells archie a copy of the archie’s weird fantasy script
gladys jones’ temporary beard who has a feud with jellybean
guy who comes to riverdale to make a documentary about whatever’s happening and gets immediately killed
the voyeur
jughead’s mean college professor
someone involved in tickle porn somehow
one of veronica’s friends from new york who’s meant to be the same age as her but makes no effort to look it
charles chickens
mr honey’s husband
souphead
jughead and archie’s landlord for their new york apartment after they realise they’re gay
dead body
hiram’s estranged gay brother, firearm lodge
he just replaces casey cott as gay kevin for three episodes for no reason and no one comments on it
betty does fizzle rocks and sees a vision of god and it’s him
the voyeur again bc think of the metaphorical value
cheryl pulls off a mission impossible type mask and underneath it is RAS
another one of mary’s old sarah florence friends
naval academy principal who hates archie
himself. like andy cohen
jughead’s sugar daddy after he goes to college and breaks up with betty.
the REAL charles smith
archies second uncle, uncle hank. also a mercenary
homophobic highsmith college teacher just for the sake of more “your lesbianism disgraces HIGHSMITH college” jokes
in the very last episode archie goes into a comics shop and uncovers a dusty old copy of an archie comics before the screen fades to black and the credits role. the shopkeeper is RAS
the riverdale cemetery groundskeeper who only talks like the creepy old guy from aquamarine
the riverdale community theater trope leader
the titular ghoulie of the ghoulie gang
smithers and pop tate’s adopted son
a guy called leopold loeb. after leopold and loeb
the priest who officiates cheryl and toni’s teen wedding
alternatively, cheryl’s divorce lawyer for when it inevitably falls through
incomprehensibly aged up bret weston wallis who is even more closely based on bret easton ellis and all his lines are ripped from interviews with him
principal of riverdale high
himself but only in a like spn the french mistake style episode where they go to a alternate universe where riverdale is being filmed as a tv show and cole sprouse is violently killed
veronica’s therapist
guy who radicalises archie and gets him to quit the military
owner of the clothes shop where jughead gets all his gay little post timeskip outfits who is gradually trying to get him to come out
jugheads lawyer for when he accuses donna sweett of libel for including the character of “juggie” in her book the private history
or donna sweett’s lawyer in the same scenario
someone in chad gekko’s storyline. just anyone
misha collins. let no one say riverdale isn’t topical
guy who archie meets at rabbinical school
the voyeur
MOTHMAN.
jughead drug-induced hallucination that’s like a beauty school dropout style dream sequence where ras is teen angel
hermione’s gay friend from real housewives who has a tiny dog
the president of the united states who hiram has a phone call with
nana rose’s toyboy lover who’s secretly slowly poisoning her like in the phantom thread (i haven’t seen the phantom thread)
charles hanson, the leader of the mothman cult
the voice of the evil truck
someone from tabitha’s business past who’s trying to like lure her back and make her do cocaine like she’s kendall roy
dr curdle jr’s husband, dr milk
drag queen who lip syncs to no children by the mountain goats for no discernible reason in a bar kevin visits
oh no! chic isnt quite dead but in order to stay alive after the shooting he had to get facial reconstructive surgery and now he looks and speaks exactly like roberto aguirre-sacasa!
dagwood.
himself as author. obviously. come on roberto its your last chance
brad rayberry’s secret lover
president eisenhower/joseph mccarthy/william hays by which i mean all three of them in the same scene in which theyre discussing the spectre of communism with clifford blossom but ras is wearing different wigs for each of them and doing voices like its an amateur youtube sketch
kevins agent (with murky past)
dr werthers is actually doing identity theft and ras is the real fredreich werthers. this is solely for a werthers original joke (get it. he would be the original werthers)
lets bring back firearm lodge of earlier in this post why dont we. everyone liked firearm lodge the first time
yk what maybe this time he’s betty and veronica’s landlord for their apartment! on park avenue!
biblical serpent. like the garden of eden serpent. metaphorically this goes crazy actually
jughead and archies authorial mentor, mack kerouac
when the comet returns it has his face in it like the teletubbies sun
a character in a comic that jughead reads or writes. someone that ethel cant stop drawing. yesss hahaha yesssss the author got eaten by the story
alfred kinsey
founder of pep comics who gets murdered
god for real.
as soon as you finish the final episode he shows up in your room like santa claus/bloody mary and you have to answer his riddles three
come on come on come on come on come on come on come onnnnn
saw someone refer to not knowing how to keep track of your money as “girl math” ……why are we in this weird era of treating women like idiots but repackaging it to sound cute and quirky. We All Need To Stop
at this point i also take issue with those tweets/posts that are of the genre “girls were meant to sit in their bed with treats and do nothing all day” it was fun and #relatable maybe the first few times but it’s really just feeding into this weird mass objectification and dehumanization of women going on all over every social media platform now
you guys know you can get USB connectable CD, dvd, and blu-ray players right. and you can buy external hard drives with crazy amounts of space for an amount of money that would make the average person from 2009’s head explode bc of how cheap it is. and if you do this and get ripping software such as handbrake for CDs and DVDs and makeMKV for blurays you can both own a physical copy of whatever media you want and make it accessible to yourself no matter where you are. do you guys know this
lots of people are reblogging this and tagging it #piracy—i should clarify, this is not piracy! ripping DVDs and CDs to have your own copy is fully legal, because it’s your legal right to do what you will with your property individually. it only becomes illegal if you then distribute that file on the internet.
“I wasn’t the only one who decided to remember everything. Betty did too.
More than most, Betty understood that we are made up of moments of both joy and pain, happiness and suffering, darkness and light, and all the scars we collect along the way.”
whys gay kevin called gay kevin i get its his only personality trait but everyone else is similarly one dimensional i think we should call her serial killer genes betty rich girl veronica and meditation on the construction of american masculinity archie and idk worst dude in ur creative writing seminar jughead
This is fascinating and I love the part with the mushrooms and the worms if this really works but my favorite part is that we spent decades like “oh no….oil is soaking into fur and feathers….if only we had something that could soak up all this oil”
40,000 years ago, early humans painted hands on the wall of a cave. This morning, my baby cousin began finger painting. All of recorded history happened between these two paintings of human hands. The Nazca Lines and the Mona Lisa. The first TransAtlantic flight and the first voyage to the Moon. Humanity invented the wheel, the telescope, and the nuclear bomb. We eradicated wild poliovirus types 2 and 3. We discovered radio waves, dinosaurs, and the laws of thermodynamics. Freedom Riders crossed the South. Hippies burned their draft cards. Countless genocides, scientific advancements, migrations, and rebellions. More than a hundred billion humans lived and died between these two paintings—one on a sheet of paper, and one on the inside of a cave. At the dawn of time, ancient humans stretched out their hands. And this morning, a child reached back.
HELLO FELLOW CRIMINALS. I LIKE DOING CRIME. WHERE DO ALL OF YOU DO YOUR CRIMES? HOW MANY CRIMES DO YOU ON A REGULAR BASIS? ARE YOU PLANNING ANY CURRENT CRIMES? I AM NOT A COP
there goes the last great american dynasty (riverdale) she (roberto) had a marvelous time ruining everything (executing his 20-years-in-the-making revenge plan on the archie comics company after they served him a cease and desist for making archie gay)
